Ashley is DULL, DULL, DULL

Okay, I was looking for a photo for my blog post and came across this picture. Who in the heck is that? And why didn't we see it on the episode? What in the world? Is that not the most random, weird pic ever? Someone please explain it to me!

Okay, first of all you have to know that this has been THE MOST boring season of The Bachelorette ever. Ashley is snooze fest. I don't think there has ever been someone who has acted as disinterested in all her suitors as she has. She's cute, but the least cute out of any bachelorette we've ever seen. I'd be willing to forgive that fact if she was at least remotely interesting.
She's not.


A few things I noticed from last night's (and previous) episodes:


Ashley is totally and completely bowlegged. Skinny jeans accentuate this fact.


Ben and Constantine are both greasy, unshowered looking guys with the exact same hair and face. They are basically the same person. It has taken me up until now just to be able to tell them apart.


Last night I felt like I was watching 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding'. I was waiting for one of the aunts to tell about the 'twin' from the lump she found in her neck...with a spinal column and hair. Nice music to match, Bach producers. Even the Dad was just like the Dad in the movie...minus talking about Windex cure-all's.


Ben and Ashley kissing each other is odd and gross and ... weird... and noisy. With lots of stops and starts.


Ashley is boring.


Ashley is boring.


It's a good thing Ben's mom doesn't have long, wavy, greasy hair parted in the middle. Otherwise you wouldn't be able to tell she and Ben apart.


Is Ben's mom Martha Stewart's sister? They talk the same. Exactly. "It's a good thing".


I can't handle anymore of Ashley's white, see-through, boxy tunics.

JP is clearly the frontrunner. Most chemistry, best fit.


But who the crap is singing 'I can't fight this feeling anymore' on their cheesy rollerskating date? Quite possibly the worst rendition ever. I kept looking for a karaoke man in the corner or something, but there was none to be found.

Okay, Ames...


I know there are a lot of people who think he's strange, but even though I don't think he meshed with Ashley, I think he is quite possibly the nicest guy who's ever been on the Bach. He's handsome, charming, and a gentleman. Okay, he's a little unique looking and he has gigantic teeth... but I still think he's nice. Did you see his poor face when he got eliminated? He was so confused! (Maybe he never recovered from his head injury in the pink shorts, boxing match) Poor Ames! And he still smiled the entire time. It was a strange smile, but still... I wondered for a second if he just can't close his mouth over his large teeth, but then he did in the limo so I wasn't worried anymore. Seriously one of the saddest exits EVER! He deserves someone classy and nice just like him.


Ames and Hercules look like twins, no?


I can't wait for next week because it looks like it might not be as boring. A little drama, maybe? JP has a hidden secret? Ashley's tatooed-all-over sister doesn't approve? Lots of tears!!!

Don't hold your breath, but I might actually be excited to watch next week! Quite possibly the most dramatic ceremony ever!!

Thoughts?
Something to make this less boring for me maybe?
DO SHARE!!

Bachelor Brad Recap #1

Disclaimer:
You are about to read a Bachelor recap. If you don't like the show or better yet, if you hate my recaps, it's best to stop reading right about now. I realize that my adorable family including the cute baby are way more important then this stupid TV show, but because I'm so behind on updating about said family, this Bachelor recap will have to suffice as the blog update until my brain goes back to normal and I have the energy to blog about my adorable family. Ahem.

Moving on....



I didn't watch the Bachelor season with Brad Womack. Shocking, I know. So I'm sort of behind all the drama with Deanna and that other chick. All I know is that he seemed sincere and that I was really forgiving once they showed promos of him walking on the beach shirtless.
Brad, it's okay. We forgive you. But could you please look into the camera more? You sort of have this really weird sort of way of looking off into space instead of making eye contact with those you're speaking with. It's super distracting. Stop it.

This season is proclaiming to be the 'most controversial season yet'. And with the vampire teeth chick, I'm not entirely surprised.

Are her vampire teeth actually ON in this picture? I'm thinking not. I can't tell.

Instead of being really weirded out about the vampire teeth (because seriously, who isn't?), I couldn't stop thinking about if they were real or fake. Like, can she take those babies out at night time sort of like a vampire retainer? Did she pay real money to have someone put those fangs in? Does it hurt to chew meat or is it easier? What about apples? Is she obsessed with all the Twlight books? Okay, duh... of COURSE she's obsessed with the Twlight books. That was a stupid question. All I know is if I were going to invest in some freaky vamp. fangs, I'd want to make sure they were removable because ya never know when you might bite your tongue or something. Ow.

This is Chantal. She's the chick that slapped Brad after she came out of the limo.

Who does that, really? My guess is they showed Brad all the girls and said to him, "Which of these girls are you going to FOR SURE keep?" And Brad pointed to her and then the producers asked Chantal if she'd slap him for 'Good TV'. And then it went further by Brad adding to the drama and suspense by giving Chantal a rose dead last.

Or... maybe I'm just speculating and Chantal realy IS that ballsy.

Maybe.


And then we have our local SLC gal, Michelle. Ugh. Michelle, I hate to judge early, but it's sort of looking like you might give SLC a skanky bad name. With that dress you were wearing and your super vain intro, that's my prediction. Just because you're a baby mamma doesn't make you classy and wholesome. Lucky for us it looks from previews as though you're staying till the bitter end. I'm hoping you show a teense bit of class by then. Fingers crossed!

Then there is Emily, our little southern belle...

Could she be anymore perfect looking? Perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect skin, perfect makeup, perfect body. Perfect, perfect, perfect. I feel a little like throwing up from it all. But maybe that's just a little bit of jealousy coming through.

Maybe.

If you saw the promo for the upcoming season, however, it looks as though Emily may not be as perfect as we may think. Or... maybe she's one of those people who expects complete perfection out of her mate and can't commit to Brad. Commitment phobe, maybe? I dunno.

All I know is that whenever I watch the promos for the upcoming season, that's when I'm hooked. They got me!

Monday nights will now be my favorite night of the week!

I can't promise weekly updates, but I promise I'll try to do a few throughout the season. Comments help, ladies! Keep 'em comin'! And thanks for pushing me to do an update. Three kids keep me hoppin'!

Ali-ette Episode 9

Lindsey's recap is up!

CLICK HERE TO READ Click over and give her some comment love... ♥

And just for the record, Frank sucks and so does girly man jewelry.

I'm torn between Chris and Roberto. And I'm not sure that Ali deserves either one of them. Maybe they'll be spared and she won't pick either of the two. But that will make me mad too. I'm just sooo indecisive right now.

Ali-ette Episode 8

Hey, it's the episode where we get to meet the families! And we all know it wouldn't be 'The Bachelor/Bachelorette' if at least one of the families wasn't completely crazy, right? And now we all know the crazy landed with Kirk's fam. Poor guy.

But before we get to Kirk, it opens with Roberto's family. Now, can I just state my annoyance that Ali doesn't even try to pronounce Roberto correctly? Talk about gringo. What she says is 'Ruh-burt-o". And what she should at least try to say is 'Roe-bear-toe'. It's lame because you'd think if she really liked the guy she'd at least try to say his name the way his family and friends say it. But whatevs.

(Also, while we're on the subject of annoying things Ali does, her laugh which was once endearing to me is officially getting on my nerves. It almost sounds like glorified crying. And she keeps laughing at weird times. I think it's the alkie.

Also, even still on the subject of annoying things Ali does, has anyone found it really off-putting how she says 'mmm hmmm' when she's talking to someone? And she almost does it in an interruptive way. It's odd).

Moving on...

Ali and Roberto start the date off at the baseball diamond. And hubba hubba we get to see Roberto in his baseball uniform. Every girl's dream. And then of course after Ali hits a few balls on the diamond, she's got to get her alcohol in. Every time they show Ali this season, she's got a drink in hand. Me thinks she relies on the alkie too much to get her comfy.

Roberto comes from a super awesome family and they're also super over-protective; especially Roberto's dad. He's not sure Ali deserves Roberto as her 'prize'. He truly treats Roberto that that is exactly what he is. But I love his family because his mom and sister are both named Olga and his mom was rockin' some awesome calves. 'Olga' . 'Ole....Ga'. Hmmm... it has a nice ring to it. Perhaps this baby I'm about to give birth to should be named Olga. Ya know, if it's a girl.

But back to Roberto's family. Did you see the latin dancing? They didn't show a ton of Roberto's moves, but he had the latin swagger goin' on and Ali would be crazy not to keep him just for the dancing. Know what I mean? I was happy Ali didn't eliminate Roberto. He's clearly a great choice for her.

As is Chris.
I can't decide who I like better. Chris or Roberto. Roberto or Chris.
Chris's (Chris' ?) hometown date was pretty great too. His family clearly adores him (but I was worried a little because his sisters-in-law look like they could be twins and Ali clearly doesn't look like she could be the 'triplet' of the three). They worship the ground that guy walks on. Chris's (Chris'? Seriously, what's the correct punctuation here?) dad may be a teense too attached. I got the feeling that if Chris and Ali were to get married, they'd be stuck living with Chris' dear old Dad. But hey, the house is cute so maybe it would be okay.
I think everything changed between Chris and Ali when Chris gave her that 'Dennis' bracelet?
All I know is I want one of those bracelets too. Who's Dennis and how do I get him to make me one?
Besides Chris' super aggressive style of kissing, I really like him. I just hope he doesn't take Ali's face off on accident one of these days.

Next up, Kirk's hometown date.
It was really no surprise to me that Kirk is the one who was eliminated this week. What with the giveaway previews a couple weeks ago and the crazy taxidermy dad, it was super obvious.
Look, taxidermy is one thing but actually freezing the animals on your 'to do' list next to your otter pops and fish sticks is another. And worse, he showed his frozen treats to Ali. Ick.

How creepy was the line, "So Ali, would you like to go see my basement?" The way that guy moved his head and said that line was like something out of a horror movie. I could basically hear 'Psycho' music playing in the background. And the music was still playing when he showed Ali the caribou foot he mounted and then put red eyes on it.
That. Was. Just. Weird.

Since Kirk's parents are divorced, we got to visit his mom seperately. Clearly she's a little more normal than her ex-hubby. But she also has some issues... like with the Lance Armstrong bracelet. Look, mold exposure is not the same thing as cancer, lady. She should have found a mold exposure bracelet. Ya know, something green that suited the purpose. And then her crazy story about how her bracelet finally broke and that it signified Kirk breaking free (of mold exposure) too? Umm... yeah. Not her best moment. It's a good thing she had adult braces on. She has a special place in my heart for having to wear those babies on National TV. I can't even smile normal for pictures because of mine. However, I'd like to think that I talk like a normal person with them on. Kirk's mom, however? Not so much.
One thing that Kirk did which I found super annoying was how he talked about his ability to FINALLY be ready to bring someone home to meet his parents. Uh, okay Kirk. Do you really think we're so stupid that the producers didn't have something to do with that whole arrangement? Did you really think you'd get to the final four and not have to do the hometown visit like everyone else? Uh, yeah. This was not your decision, dude.
At the end after Kirk got cut, he lamented in the limo about how this was the first time in his whole life he'd had his heart broken. And then I was simply elated that he was the one to go. Everyone should have their heart broken a couple times. Kirk, this will be good for you. I promise.

And last but not least...

Frank.

Okay. Can we talk about Frank's sickly disgusting wife beater/too-small-brown-sweater combo for a sec? I CANNOT believe he thinks it's okay to wear a wife beater on a hometown date. Or ever. And the sweater? Haven't we seen that sick piece of trash earlier in the season too? And then when he and Ali were out and about, he paired it with that ill-fitting military jacket with the tiny sleeves.
Frank, I have a little secret for you, dude. NO one and I mean NO ONE wants to see your man cleavage. I'm more and more convinced every week that your big secret to Ali (which will be revealed next week ... can't wait) will be that you're gay. You just fit that mold all. too. well.
Also, Frank's constant insecurities are about the biggest turn off EVER.
I cannot for the life of me understand what Ali sees in Frank. He has red flags popping up all over the place. To me, Frank screams the type of guy who finally commits to you, gets married, and then up and leaves in the middle of the night never to be seen again. He's unstable. Also, his sister said something very telling about him. She said he's an emotional person who bases all his decisions with his heart and that with what he's 'been through', she's worried about him. Hmmm... what has Frank 'been through'?
I think we find out next week, but I would love to hear your guesses in the comments. Enlighten me.

Next up, we have the rose ceremony. And like I already said, Ali picks the two greatest guys in the group and then... FRANK. And also like I already said, I just don't get it. Especially because what Frank was wearing at the rose ceremony was quite possibly the strangest clothing combination yet. Jeans. With some weird jacket underneath his suit coat.

It's a good thing Ali looked nice. I LOVED her dress. Definitely her best rose ceremony dress of the season if you ask me. Now, if only someone would fix her roots so there weren't three or four shades of blonde, that would be great. Oh, and she should definitely start wearing waterproof mascara too. Got that producers? Kthanks.


Please. I simply must know your take on the episode. Or at least hear you validate my hatred for Frank and his icky doubly-bad clothing ensembles.

Ali-ette Episode 7

Did you SEE last night's epsisode of The Bachelorette? Not only did we get fantastic TV with the drama of Ali and the remaining boys, but did you see the interview with Jake and Vienna and why their relationship went south? Oh. Man. The insults were flying!!!

For the record, both Jake and Vienna still bug the crap out of me, but I was TOTALLY siding with Vienna the entire night. Jake is CONTROLLING! And ARROGANT! And a HUGE, HUGE JERK!

CLICK HERE FOR JEANELLE'S AWESOME RECAP.

Ali-ette Episode 6

All I know is these Bachelorette recaps are getting more hilarious and more fun by the week. The waiting is torture. I need next week's episode to be on right now. For real.

Lindsey was on recap duty this week and oh boy... you gotta read. It's like we can read each other's minds. She said everything I was thinking.

Here's her post and not a moment too soon. Go give her your thoughts, girls!

The Bachelorette = happiness

CLICK HERE FOR RECAP 6

Ali-ette Episode 5

Yes! I had DVR success! Sorry I didn't post this morning, but I had a Dr. appt. that kept me away. No worries. Everything is fine (or at least the same) and hey, I even got 'checked' today. A fingertip dilated, in case you're wondering. And always such a LOVELY experience, I might add.



I might as well name this episode 'All about Kasey' because that guy gave me so much material I couldn't write fast enough. To celebrate Kasey's departure (yay.), I will list a few of my favorite quotes of his from last night's episode. But before I do this, you must imagine in your head that everything I list is said with a mouth full food. Or better yet, ya know when you have a big mouth load of potatoes and you get a bunch stuck in your throat and then you try to talk to someone and your voice goes all weird and creates a bubble because you have potatoes stuck in your throat? It's like that.
I have bolded Kasey's favorite word which has quickly become my least favorite.

Jeanelle is right. Kasey really doesn't have lips.


"I'm here to guard and protect Ali's heart"
"I want to show Ali my heart and I want her to show me hers."
"I'm Kasey. I'm a dreamer. I'm a believer. I love to love, I love to give, I love to share"
"Pain is nothing to me. I like pain"
"I need to be a man for that woman"
"I'm always going to try and protect Ali's heart because that's how my heart is. I've got the biggest heart in the world and I'm going to wear my heart on my sleeve."
"My tattoo is who I am. My heart, my emotions, my body and now no one can take it from me because it's on my body."
"I want my future wife to guard and protect my heart too"
"At the end of this thing, I'll be sittin' there on one knee and she'll say 'Yes. I do want to spend the rest of my life with you, Kasey' "

Also, I must mention the sweatshirt that Kasey wore around his neck like a scarf. And then the burberry scarf that he wore later which just made him look like a dork; especially because he wore it with a huge blue snow coat.

At the end of Kasey's road when Ali sent him home in the middle of nowhere on a glacier, her parting words to him were, "Something just wasn't there".

I think what 'wasn't there' was the restraining order Ali hadn't yet taken out on Kasey.

He is psychotic. And as if it wasn't enough torture to hear him speak, he had to sing last week and then this week he recited poetry.
SO. SO. Hilarious that they put up subtitles so you could understand (or not understand ?) what he was saying.

Kirk got the one on one date with Ali. It begins with Ali running up to Kirk whilst NOT MOVING HER ARMS. Seriously, if you haven't seen the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine's co-worker doesn't move her arms when she walks, you must. Totally Ali.



Ya know, Kirk hasn't really been a favorite of mine. I'm not really sure why. He just isn't. But then he launched into his story about his loss of nerve function, weight loss and bad speech and I started feeling all sorry for the guy. I was sure at the end of his sad story, he was going to tell Ali about the brain tumor he had removed. And I think Ali thought the same thing. Did you see her 'deer in the headlights' look as Kirk was talking?
But it turns out it wasn't a tumor OR cancer OR MS OR some other sort of horrible disease he had. Nope. It turns out that the whole thing was caused by mold exposure.
Mold exposure! Which I get is a REAL thing. I don't want to sound unsympathetic. But mold, hmmm... it just didn't 'get' me enough like a tumor would have so I went back to not liking him. Maybe he's just too 'ruddy' for me. That and every time he hugs Ali, he does it with a claw-like grasp.



Ty, Chris L., Frank, Chris N., Craig R., and Roberto were the ones who got the group date with Ali. My favorite part of this episode was watching Craig R. (quite possibly the largest guy in the group) get the smallest horse to ride. His feet were literally two inches from touching the ground. And quite frankly, EVERYONE looked pretty ridiculous on their horses because they were all wearing MASSIVE blue SNOWSUITS and all the horses were like stunted or something. Craig R's horse looked like a pony though. And it was funny. REALLY funny.


*Post Edit*
And while we're talking about Craig R., I have to mention how he won my heart at the rose ceremony when he told Ali he did something special for her and then lifted up his sleeve to show her a drawn on tattoo like Kasey's. It was hysterical. Brownie points for Craig!

The group date got to go exploring in an ice cave and then go to the hot pot Blue Lagoon Lake (which definitely looked like a pretty awesome place). Ali stripped off her blue snow suit to show a teeny blue bikini and all the boys jumped in afterward. Then we got to watch Frank show off his severe insecurities while he kept checking to see what Ali and the other guys were doing all the while pining and feeling sorry for himself. And for the record, I'm pretty certain that Frank doesn't blink. Like, ever. And his eyes are so focused and google-y. And then when he wears his glasses with the super thick lenses, he's got double the problem. That stare of his is just downright stalker-ish. Yowza.



I have three favorites of the guys that are left. Here they are in order from least favorite to most favorite:
Chris L.


I still really like him, but I'm trying to figure him out. And WHAT IS WITH HIS LACK OF FORMAL ATTIRE AT THE ROSE CEREMONIES? Let me tell ya a little secret, Chris. We all get that you're a casual, free-spirited kind of dude, but your untucked semi-wrinkled button down and super messy look-like-you-slept-on-it hair is NOT doing you any favors, big boy.

Ty

If Ty would get rid of that sick necklace he wears 24/7, he might become my favorite. He's got the whole 'southern gentleman' thing going for him and he definitely showed Ali he's got a lot more self-confidence than a lot of the other guys.

Roberto
(this picture doesn't do him justice. It looks oddly airbrushed or something)


Unfortunately we didn't get to see a lot of Roberto this past episode. A damn shame! My problem with Roberto is Ali's lack of self-confidence when she's with him. I don't think she thinks she's good enough for him and most men like confident women. I don't think it's going to work out between she and Roberto if she doesn't quit acting like an undeserving pansy when she's with him. And while we're at it, knock off the baby voice, Ali. It's annoying.

When we get to the rose ceremony, the WISE Chris Harrison acts the part of Yoda for Ali.

"Afraid to fall in love, you are" says yodaChris

"Yes", says Ali. "I'm afraid of getting my heart broken"

"Chosen psychopath Kasey, you should have then. Guard and protect your heart, he would have." says yodaChris (but not really)

"You're absolutely right, yodaChris! I should have chosen lipless Kasey!" says Ali.
(but not really)

The least shocking rose ceremony EVER happened with the SUPER obvious choice of getting rid of Chris N. He's seriously not even worth my time to write about. But here's a picture. You can see the dullness factor in his eyes. Dull. Dull. Dull. And a definite waste of blog space.


Here's hoping that next week the guy with the 'girlfriend' who causes Ali to go all frenzied and psychotic turns out to be none other than Justin a.k.a. 'Rated R'. I tried to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, but his smugness and constant 'gloat-face' has me wanting him to be embarrassed on national TV.


Stay tuned for next week when Lindsey recaps.
In the meantime, please leave me some comment love and tell me your thoughts and picks on last night's episode...

Ali-ette Episode 4... And the Case of the Cursed DVR

As you know, it's MY turn to do The Bachelorette recap. I got all comfy and ready to watch it last night when I realized that even though it was listed as being recorded on my DVR (all 2:04) of it, when I pressed play, I got nothin' but a black screen. NOTHIN' BUT BLACK! FOR TWO HOURS AND 4 MINUTES!!! I re-set my DVR and powered it off and then back on, but of course, by then it was too late. But hey, at least that episode of Spongebob I've been dying to see got recorded. I don't think I could have lived if that had been skipped.

So, with much stress last night (which isn't good for the delicate blood pressure position I'm in), Jeanelle graciously offered to post for me. The only catch was that I must name my baby after her. After all, she did stay up until nearly 1:00 in the morning doing the post.

Jeanelle, I owe you, girl.

Count on me next week for a recap, then back to Lindsey and possibly back to me again.
(ya know, barring any unforseen circumstances that is)

CLICK HERE FOR WHAT IS SURE TO BE JEANELLE'S HILARIOUS RECAP THAT I CAN'T READ YET SINCE I HAVEN'T SEEN THE SHOW. CURSE YOU, DVR!


Oh, and don't forget to check out my post below on Levi's baptism...

Ali-ette Episode 3

Sorry it took so long to link, but I PROMISE it will be worth your time.

Splitting up this recap thing has turned into a PHENOMENAL idea. Jeanelle was hilarious last week and Lindsey.... well.... I nearly went into labor from laughing so hard with her take from last night's episode. I have some serious shoes to fill next week!!

CLICK HERE FOR LINDSEY'S UPDATE!!!

Link to Ali-ette episode #2

Seriously, I was so broken hearted I couldn't blog about this amazing episode, but once I saw Jeanelle's take on it, I was so glad it was her and not me. Freaking HIL-AR-I-OUS!

Head on over for Jeanelle's recap by clicking HERE

Ali the Bachelorette Soon to be Shortened to Ali-ette

First off, I have to warn you that I'm on bedrest and cannot spend very much time on the computer. But I saved up some energy just for you and am blogging about what's most important--The Bachelorette premiere from last night, of course. Just don't expect too many pictures. That takes way too much time and effort.

I must admit that as I started watching the premiere last night I wasn't the least bit excited. A lot of the episode was SERIOUSLY boring and the stupid introductions of all the boys made me gag. I always feel so embarrassed for the introduction part of the show. CORN. BALL.

However...

Once they started the previews for the upcoming season, I was hooked. The SCANDAL!! With all my favorite shows coming to an end and yet still being on bedrest, Monday nights might become the highlight of my week.

So far, my favorite is Chris L. The guy from Cape Cod who moved there to be with his ailing mother. I'm not sure why he didn't tell Ali that, but it's obviously a sensitive topic for him so he earned some brownie points from me.




Sadly enough, this morning, Chris L. was the only one I could think of as being a favorite. I'm sure that will change, but it's early and there were A LOT of dorks on last night's show. And it seems that I feel like this every season, but didn't Ali get rid of a lot of the cute ones? What gives?


Least Favorite guy that got sent home:
Derrick, A.K.A. "Shooter". Let's just say that I think his story of how he got his nickname didn't do him any favors. Seriously, what guy with ANY pride shares a story like that?



Least favorite by a MILE... Criag M. This guy seems as slimey as they come. And we all know what that means. He's gonna be here a while.



The guy with the most annoying voice EVER who also looks like he becomes a stalker from the previews.... Kasey. Seriously, ladies, listening to him speak was like nails on a chalkboard for me.




And finally... the look-alikes. I have a feeling that I'm going to get this guy:



And this guy... confused.




And ya know what's crazy? I don't just think the two above guys look like one another. I also think they look like this guy:



And no... that's not a compliment.



*Also, my dear fans, I have decided not to do this update every single week. Last season I'd start having panic attacks and late nights because of the sheer pressure to post an update. And with high blood pressure that could send me into early delivery, I've decided that trash TV might not be worth it. However, never fear because I have worked out a plan. My two cute friends Jeanelle, Lindsey and ME will all be taking turns posting. So be sure to check out one of their links for updates. I think Jeanelle might be first. But definitely count on a post from me every couple weeks or so. Kee doke? *

Jake the Flying Bachelor - The Final SUPER ANNOYING (but not the least bit surprising) EPISODE

Okay. So Jake pics Vienna. Shock of the century, right? Puhlease. We all knew it was coming. We all prepared ourselves. And I don't know about you, but I definitely enjoyed it more knowing the outcome. That way I could talk myself down, ya know... with a pep talk about how it's just a show and how this show, in particular, NEVER makes you happy at the end. Whew! I'm so glad my expectations AND my standards were already lowered. Otherwise this show and me were NEVER going to get along. What a relief to know I can watch another season of this trash in May. It's the little blessings in life like this that help you along, ya know?


Jake's family:
The Jakey mom has really bad hair, but not nearly as bad as the Jakey sister-in-law who wore the ugly white flower thing.

The Jakey mom's blue dress and the sister-in-law blue matchy dress? Just when I thought the cheese couldn't get worse, there's matching.

Did the Jakey mom remind of you of Glenn Close in 'Fatal Attraction'? That's ironic, right?

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING was more cornball than this scene:


Family pool time? IN clothes? With a group hug? No. Seriously?

Did any of you get the sense that Jake's dad was going to come after him for not picking Tenley? I think Jake's dad may have finally found his ideal woman in her. What, with all that chin quivering and all.

I really enjoyed the fact that at first it seemed like the Jakey family was going to despise Vienna like the rest of us. But with the cameras there and the whole, what, HOUR they got to spend with her, they decided she had redeemed herself and she was worthy of Jake's love. (Eyes Rolling.)

To Jake's mom: It's 'Sisters-in-law' NOT 'Sister-in-laws'.

Jakes one on one time with Vienna:
Jake and Vienna deserve each other after that disgusting mud scene we had to watch.

Writing on Jake's muddy chest. Ew.

Vienna's blurred out (in the same color of her bikini bottoms) butt cheeks for our viewing pleasure.

Jake saying, "Alarmingly hot"

Vienna's oh so very bad roots

The phrase "Falling in love so deeply" used over and over again.

The Tenley one on one time:
Jake using the word 'positivity'. It is a real word, but when he uses it, it sounds made up.

Jake's family clearly liked Tenley more. But Jake must have taken his parents in the back room and told them they better shape up because he WAS going to pick Vienna. That's when Jake's mom decided she suddenly liked Vienna. She had to. For TV purposes.

The fact that he gave his parents a warning about Vienna before they met her tells me he already knew that they were going to love Tenley more since they met her first and she's CLEARLY the better choice. He was put on the defense and starts listing things about Vienna that will actually annoy him in the long run but for now he just finds them 'endearing'.

When Jake and Tenley were on the boat and Jake was acting all distant, I think he knew that Vienna was going to be his choice by then and he didn't want to waste any time with Tenley anymore. He actually had to fake it with her. It was sooooooo obvious. Also, when he said he was 'just tired' when Tenley asked what was wrong, she should have taken that as a sign that he wasn't into her and bolted right then.

On a bright note, Tenley clearly had the better place to stay. I loved her cute little villa.

The final rose:
Ya know how Jake was saying how he didn't know who he was going to choose? He lies like a dog. I didn't buy it for a second. I think that animal magnetism kept calling him back to Vienna (though it made the rest of us barf in our mouths) and he just couldn't get enough of her.

Did you sort of wonder why Vienna didn't do her makeup like she did for the final rose ceremony ALL the time? Her use of eyeshadow is just BAD. She will always look like a horse, that's a fact, but with better eye makeup at least she could look like a semi-attractive horse. No?

Does Vienna wear any other color than teal? Teal and hot pink, teal and hot pink, but mostly just teal. I counted the hideous TEAL ruffle bikini in the end and they showed it 5 times just in clips. That thing needs to be burned.

I was bummed that Tenley wanted to know why she wasn't picked so badly. I get it. It's a natural reaction when you feel like you have a connection with someone, but I wanted her to get out of there quick and not carry on so much. Also, Jake made it last way too long with her. He made it worse. He makes EVERYTHING worse.

Jake saying 'Amazing Woman' all the time makes me cringe to the MAX. Someone hand that guy a thesaurus!

After the Final Rose:
Once again, I was dissapointed with Tenley. Why on EARTH would she want to be Jake's 'friend'?

Tenley is classy. Everything she did including her exit was classy. Aren't you so relieved she doesn't have to be with a butt like Jake for the rest of her life? I'd say she dodged a huge bullet.

Jake answered all of Tenley's questions just really REALLY badly. And then later on in the show he goes on to say what a great communicator he's become. Wha?!

The biggest news of the evening:
Vienna totally had a nose job, some possible facial reconstruction of some sort and some definite weight loss. If you're an expert in plastic surgery and can tell exactly what sort of work she's had done, I would LOVE to know.

Vienna tried really hard to hide her white-trash image, but it was still there. I didn't buy the sweet, sweet artificial I'm-really-a-nice-girl-crap for one second.

And the actual singing of 'On the Wings of Love'?!! So corny I almost just had to like it. Is this the beginning of a new trend? A theme song for every season of The Bachelor?

Not a huge surprise that Ali is the new Bachelorette. After she apologized for her mean Vienna comments on TV last week, it was pretty obvious that was the next move. I can't wait to watch!


For all you non-bachelor watchers out there, I apologize that this has been so dominant on my blog as of late. I promise to put more quality stuff on soon. I'm sick of my recaps too. Thanks for hanging in there.

For the rest of you, please share your thoughts on last night's 3 hour drama. And don't forget to include your opinions about Vienna's plastic surgery.


....a horse is a horse, of course, of course... ♪♫♪

Jake The Flying Bachelor Episode 8

Why yes... It's another 'Bachelor recap'. I promise that I do want to blog about other things other than my stupid reality TV obsession, but unfortunately the TV is just occupying way too much of my time lately. The Olympics are keeping me up late at night. The Olympics and the question of who Jake is going to choose, of course.

Moving on...

Yes, I know my picture is NOT visible right now. My photobucket bandwidth is exceeded. It will restore on the 27th, but until then you'll have to click on this link (CLICK HERE) to see the picture. My apologies. But I'm much too cheap to pay for more bandwidth.



How great is this picture of Jake? He sort of looks like he's in-between doing a blowfish on a window or something. He also looks how I look right after I eat too much and I feel bloated. But, of course we all know that this bloated/blowfish look is actually because he was grilled tonight in 'The Women Tell All' episode. And ya know what? I didn't feel too badly for him. I mean, c'mon ladies!! Is that all ya got to grill Jake with? Sheesh. I get more drama than that when I watch one of John's favorite Andy Griffith episodes. Remember when Aunt Bea's prized pickles taste awful? Um, yeah.
What they should have done was put Chris Harrison and Rozlyn in a locked room and let them fight it out. Man, the accusations were FLYING tonight!

First off, I feel the need to mention the interview with the past Bachelor/Bachelorette cast. Ya know how they were interviewing that ditry scumbag Wes from Jillian's season and he said, "I'm getting a thousand times more nibbles than I used to. And that's a lot of nibbles." You see, what I heard was, "I'm getting a thousand times more NIPPLES than I used to. And that's a lot of NIPPLES". Am I the only one that heard the word 'nipple'? And, to be completely honest with you, I'm still not sure if he said 'nibble' or 'nipple'. Coming from him, the word 'nipple' is actually less surprising. I mean, who says, "nibble' anymore really? I don't think I've ever typed the word nipple on my blog before. This is a first. And look how many times I typed it! Is my blog going to be flagged now as inappropriate? It's all your fault, Wes! You and your sick nipple talk.

A few things I gathered from tonight's episode:

• Rozlyn is a complete and total wench who lies through her teeth. Every time she said, "Absolutely not" it was an obvious lie. Chris Harrison said it so perfectly when he told her that "the truth is so much simpler to tell". I don't think she answered one question honestly. And with so many witnesses, she is certainly not looking too outstanding. I feel sorry for her kid. What was with her accusing Chris Harrison of hitting on the producer's (the producer she is supposedly having an affair with) wife? Did any of you know the producer was actually married? You gotta hand it to Chris Harrison. He could really hold his own with her; especially when he said, "I'm not going to dignify that with a response." Also, that story of Ella's about Rozlyn could NOT have painted Rozlyn in a trashier light. Ugh, the mental image!
• Those of you Ali haters out there really gotta hand it to her for coming to Vienna's defense. She not only apologized for saying mean things on the show about Vienna, but she yelled at the viewers for thinking so poorly of her. Ali, I like you. I know you have your haters and you definitely haven't been my favorite 24/7, but I still like you. But I still can't stand Vienna.
• Michelle still could NOT have seemed more psychotic to me. I think she was trying really hard so her psycho didn't show through, but I still saw it. And I liked how Valisha said, "Maybe just a teeny bit emotionally unstable?" SO. SO. Funny.
• Next week's finale is going to be a blast to watch. There is always PLENTY of drama to go around. I wish I could say I'm not sure of who he'll pick, but unfortunately I have a pretty good idea. But hey, at least I can prepare myself, right? I loved how Jake's mom(?) said to Jake regarding Vienna, 'Wait, is she the girl that everybody hates?' HA HA HA HA HA. Poor Mamma. (and for those close to me, an inside joke: MAMA!!!!)

Do you know what I feel would make this show a lot more fun than it is? Showing us the outtakes all the time! Doesn't it make everyone just a teeny bit more endearing? For instance, if I knew that Corrie was one to fart in front of people, I probably wouldn't have thought she was as boring. Know what I mean?

And your thoughts, ladies...

Jake The Flying Bachelor Episode 7

All I know is I want to go to Saint Lucia. That place looks seriously amazing. Am I the only one who took that simple fact as the most important one with this episode? I couldn't think because of all the awesome scenery and 'black sand' beaches, etc.


Anyway....




I feel I must mention how enormous Gia's shirts are all the time. I guess she likes the '80's off-the-shoulder look, but me? Not so much.
And is it just me or did you all feel like poor Gia had to climb way too many stairs in this episode? There was the stair climbing to see Jake in the beginning and then the stair descending (the descent that never ended) to go to dinner with Jake. It was all a bit nauseating. And speaking of the dinner, what was up with Gia's weird princess tiara? SO SO SO out of place for a beach date. And way distracting. I couldn't stop looking at it and wishing it was gone.
This episode was about as anticlimactic as it could possibly get. Sure, they teased us with the promos and the 'after the break' stuff with the car driving up to the rose ceremony, but it was all a sham. I wasn't the least bit surprised that it was Gia who went home.
Oh, and Gia crying was super sad. Especially with that sweaty upper lip. I really wanted to wipe it off for her so she could leave with a little more grace and dignity. So long, Gia!

Tenley...




Am I the only one who thinks Tenley is looking more and more like Barbie? She is seriously darling. But you know what's NOT darling? Her teeny tiny little girl voice. I hate it so much. If you want to go any further, Tenley, you have GOT TO STOP TALKING LIKE THAT! I love Tenley though. She's my obvious pick (Hello, do I even need to say that?), but I'm afraid it's not going to be sweet Tenley in the end. Sadly, I think the physical chemistry is a bit off. Jake made a VERY TELLING move on Tenley that made me convinced of this. Wanna know what it was?

He kissed her on the nose.

A nose kiss is for your baby. Your little sister (except for my brothers, of course) or when your hubby thinks you're being really cute. But your girlfriend who you're just beginning to 'fall in love with'? No. The nose kiss was an all-around bad sign.
Tenley asked Jake how he would pursue her in the 'real world' should he choose her. I think that was such a smart question. I think a lot of these girls (Ahem, Vienna) get really sucked in to the fantasy of it all. They think it's going to be their real life. For instance, remember when Vienna (a couple episodes back) was talking about how she loved how Jake put so much thought into their date? Vienna is an idiot! We all know that Jake is NOT the loverboy who put all the 'thought' into the date. It's about 20 or 30 producers and a team of professionals. So, what I'm saying is that Tenley seems to 'get it' that the show will end and life would begin. Know what I mean?

The Vienna date...




First off, I hate Vienna's green bikini. We've seen it before. Plus, I just hate it because it's fun to hate it. Proabably because it's on her. Vienna's date with Jake was so totally disgusting. There is obviously some sort of raw animal chemistry between the two of them. Do you know what it reminds me of? That hot guy in high school you liked that decides to date the very unattractive chick with no personality. It's just so so baffling. Everyone is scratching their heads going, 'Huh?' and yet he keeps on dating her. And then they get married... and have cross-eyed children.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

When Vienna started walking towards the pirate ship, that song 'Walk Like a Man' came into my head. I couldn't help it and I kept singing it in my head. And speaking of music, how dissapointing was it that they played the 'On the Wings of Love' music that I like so much on the date with Vienna and Jake? SO SAD. Such a waste.

A few disgusting things happened on the date with Vienna. I have to list them because there are so many:

The green bikini. I know I already mentioned it, but still.
Vienna licking Jake's face and then Jake licking her back. Ick.
The paddling.
The constant camera view of Vienna's ruffled bum.
The constant camera view of Vienna's ugly tattoo that I hope gets really stretched out when she has babies.
The white lingerie number.
Jake saying that he sees a lot of himself in Vienna. Again, 'Huh?'
Wet, bad hair extensions.
Jake asking Vienna what kind of ring she'd pick out. So. Tragic.
Vienna constantly calling Jake 'sweetheart'.
Vienna being the cross-eyed-green-ruffled-bikini-hoochie-mamma that she is.
Oh, and did I mention the paddling? ICKY!


The Ali thing....
I'm actually sort of glad he didn't take her back. I mean, she left and that's that. She handled it pretty well (until she got into that gray shirt and completely fell apart. Was that the same day? Random.) Right as Jake was refusing Ali's offer to come back, John walked into the room where I was watching TV and said, "Oh, poor Ali cat. Poor, poor Ali cat.... Aw, she'll land on her feet." And.... it was so. so. funny. I keep thinking about it and laughing.
I have a sneaky suspicion Ali will be back....

As the next Bachelorette.


K, kids! It's time for your opinions! Let 'er Rip!

Jake The Flying Bachelor Episode 6

It's getting crazy at the Bachelor house. Lots of tears. Lot of heartache and lots of saying, 'I'm falling for you' by all parties.

Thoughts starting from the beginning:

• Gia's mom was totally scary. I don't know if it's just the heavy New York accent or the fact that she reminded me of a card/palm reader on the street from the get-go. I could almost picture her on the side of the road with a gypsy veil on and beads everywhere. And believe it or not... I actually thought this about her BEFORE she read Jake's cards at the end. Call me 'Psychic Holly' if you must. Also, I have to add that Gia's mom's skirt was too short. Like... WAY too short. There isn't a lot I have to say about Gia. I think she would have been the one to go had Ali not been an idiot. Gia is next on the chopping block. Her family belongs on 'The Sopranos'.
• Ali's date. Okay, was it just me or when the camera showed Ali walking in her hometown, did it not remind you of that Seinfeld episode where Molly Shannon played the girl who doesn't swing her arms when she walks? I'd post a link, but I couldn't find one. But seriously... Ali's arms were glued to her side. It was odd. Ali's Grandma story was so sweet and the chemistry was completely there. I wanted to live in her Grandma's cute little house (ya know, as long as it wasn't haunted or anything).
• The Tenley date. How do I put this? The dancing just made me uncomfortable and embarrassed! I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. It's funny how Tenley kept saying that Jake was lit up when he watched her. All I saw in his reaction was, "Why are you doing this to me? WHY, WHY, WHY??" But seriously, besides that Tenley and Jake were cute together. And I wanted Tenley's coat. Her parents were by FAR my fave. So sweet, so caring. They really love her and want the best for her. And both parents crying? Ahhhh... so touching. Oh, and I forgot to mention... NICE CALVES, Tenley!
• Vienna. Oh, Vienna. Your shorts were way too short and your way too slutty. I think all Jake sees in you is sexual and I don't get it. Did you hear that, America? I DON'T GET IT!!! Vienna is the wild one for Jake. The one he can be 'free' with or something. It's odd. Oh, and how embarrassing was it when her DAD walked in on them making out?! And you KNOW he totally did it on purpose. Get out NOW, Jake! Didn't it give you a huge red flag when you brought up the other girls hating her and her parents were NOT surprised and even said she's dealt with that her whole life?? RED FLAG! RED FLAG!!! Her Dad would send any guy running (A promise ring??!!!). But hey, at least we got to see where Vienna got her pretty eyes from.

To Vienna, from Holly:
You may think and say that you look beautiful and glowing when you're with Jake and that everyone can see it, but when I see you, all I see is this:

HEE. HAW.


Moving on to the 'Most Dramatic Moment of the Night!'
Ali, Ali, Ali. You are STUPID!! First of all, your hair was at its worst. I'll forgive you, however, because you had obviously had a hard day. And ya know what? It showed, girl.

Also, although I felt really REALLY bad for you, your whiny weird baby/possibly drunk voice sort of sent me over the edge. You put Jake in a really bad position and I don't think he could have said anything sweeter to you than what he said. Um, were you not listening? And then you actually TELL him you love him. You say it OUT LOUD and you choose your job instead? Your own mother even told you that it would be fine to leave your job. I think you know you made a bad choice. And that's why I'm willing to forgive your VERY BAD HAIR and weird whiny way about you. I still hope you come back. I do. I'm really forgiving that way.

But if Ali doesn't come back... Tenley is my pick. Besides the super embarrassing dancing, how cute is Tenley? I love her!


Okay. Let loose. I need your thoughts!!

Jake The Flying Bachelor Episode 5

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

The drama.

If you saw this episode, you'd be LYING if you said you didn't enjoy every minute of the action.

I don't even know where to begin!!

1. Ali's cattiness at the beginning makes me want to slap her. It was refreshing at the end when it seemed as though she may have gotten 'over it'. But I'm not sure if she REALLY is or if she's just pretending she is for Jake.

2. You know I have to mention how I loved the piano 'On the Wings of Love' music playing in the background on Jake's date with Tenley. I maybe see a future with he and Tenley. Maybe.

3. I was so excited that Corrie was a virgin. And let me tell you why: What makes this show so trashy is the fact that at the end of the season, the Bachelor takes the three remaining women to their own 'private suite'. It's disgusting to think that the Bachelor needs to sleep with all the women before he chooses which one he'll ask to marry him. So... when Corrie said she was as virgin, I got really excited because I thought he might pick her and there would be NO WAY for any trashy sex to be had. Too bad he eliminated her. I do understand why though. She was just too much of a blank slate. She should have opened up more. And there was definitely not enough chemistry. Let's face it. She was boring.
Boo Hoo!

4. When Ali got picked for the private date, did anyone else notice how Vienna was sucking her thumb? What a baby!!

5. Although Ali's cattiness with Vienna has annoyed the crap out of me, I'm pretty sure she's going to grow up and be a big girl and finally get over it. However, I'm not sure I'm going to get over how annoying and horse-like Vienna is. I want her gone. Now. She made so many annoying comments on last night's episode that I feel as though I must list them. But first, here is a beautiful picture of Miss Vienna:

Isn't she breathtaking?


Annoying lines of the night from Vienna:

1. When Vienna actually went off looking for Jake as he was having his one on one time with Gia, she said, "Jake? Honey?" And can you BELIEVE she went off looking for him? She is a freakazoid. At least she got scared in the dark. That might have been the best moment on the show.
2. "I want my boyfriend"
3. "I'm my Dad's princess and now I'm Jake's queen"
4. "I'm going to pretend like Gia's not even there" when referring to the two on one date with Jake, Gia and herself.
5. "He's mine. That's it."
6. "He only shows attention to Gia when they're alone." Hmmm... do you think it's because Vienna is a total attention whore?
7. " I want to be the last girl he thinks about when he goes to sleep tonight." Oh, okay. So why don't you go sneak in his room, crawl in his bed and make yourself look like a bigger skank than you already are? That should win some points.

For the record, I think I've diagnosed Vienna with her problem. She is a complete and total Narcissist. She fits each and every characteristic of the definition. That's right, ladies... I figured out what her problem is. You can thank me in your comments.

To cap off the summary, I first must mention two hilarious comments that Jake made.

#1. "I assure you I had dirty thoughts" when referring to the dirty and nasty Vienna coming into his room. Is it just me or do you guys feel like the chemistry with Vienna and Jake is purely sexual? And believe me, I get how disgusting that is considering she looks like a horse. But seriously... I think I'm right.

#2. "It's not about sex appeal. It's about HEART appeal." HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Um, okay Jake. Do you really think we're that stupid? Whatever! Corniest comment winner of the night.

My feeling is that the girl who has the most complete package with Jake including good chemistry and also good back and forth conversation is Ali. I know she's had plenty of her own annoying moments, but she's still my pick. I like Gia a lot too, but her insecurity may bite her in the butt in the end. And Tenley? Adorable, but I don't know how much physical chemistry they have.


And did you see the previews for next week??? No rose ceremony? WHAT??!!! And who is that at Jake's door?? Dying. I think this is the most excited I've been!!!

Just for fun, CLICK HERE and tell me who it reminds you of.

Jake The Flying Bachelor Episode 4

Hi friends! My computer is on the fritz... AGAIN! Apparently my last virus was a real doozy and affected windows and everything. Currently my brother (the computer genius) is fixing my entire tower. Sigh. I'm using my husband's work laptop (because I am THAT devoted to you) and it took me about 10 minutes to write that last sentence because I'm not used to his teeny tiny keyboard. So, just this once, please forgive me all the typos and the lack of pics. I'm saying a little prayer in my head that I can get my computer back REALLY soon. But in the meantime, my house is going to be sparkling clean. Cuz that's how I roll when I don't have meaningless time-sucking computer activities at my fingertips.

Okay, let's get down to the nitty gritty (say this in your best 'Nacho Libre' impersonation)...

I might as well name this entry 'Everyone hates Vienna, but especially Ali.'
Yes, Vienna definitely bugs. If the entire household hates her like they do, we must be missing something. Don't you think? Yes, Vienna is annoying. She looks awful without makeup and her constant obsession with Jake and calling him her 'boyfriend' all the time makes me want to barf. But the hatred sort of seems a little unwarranted. I think there is a lot of stuff they're not showing us about her. But don't get me wrong. She is still my least fave and I was super bummed that Jake chose to keep the weasel, but what ya gonna do?
Did you not just LOVE how Jake said that Vienna 'brings all the drama on herself'? My favorite line of the night. HANDS DOWN!!!

I still like Ali. The chemistry she has with Jake is REAL and I think they have something really special. However, she needs to settle down. She's a little overconfident in her relationship with him. Which is ironic because with how much she seems to feel threatened by Vienna, it shows a real LACK of confidence, if you ask me. Also, I really wish she'd wear different color dresses besides yellow. Was that one a repeat or did she seriously buy three different yellow dresses?
I need to know.


Gia...
I really saw a lot of chemistry between Gia and Jake. Besides the super lame hide and seek game in the grapevines, their date was sweet. But maybe I just think that because I could hear 'On the wings of love' playing gently on piano with the background music. Yay! A highlight! Corny music!!!

Tenley...
Tenley is becoming a fast favorite for me. She's so sweet that it gives you a cavity and she's a total cornball too. Hey, who does that remind me of? Oh, I know! Jake! Those two are perfect for one another. Two cornballs in a pod. I like how Tenley isn't totally in on all the catty stuff going on in the house. Even though Ali seems to think she is, she never says much about Vienna. You moved up a notch in, Tenley.


It was a little sad that Jake had to cut out so many great women, but you have to give it to him that it took some serious cojones to do it. Bye Ella, Ashleigh , Kathryn, and Jessie! Didn't you just love how Ashleigh said, "Seriously? Vienna over me? Seriously? Spare me." HA!!! Anyone that says 'spare me' is my friend.

That's all for now. Expect a better update next week. I don't kno how people type on tiny keyboards. Maybe I just have fat fingers. Or maybe I'm just not used to it. Either way, this was hard and this is all you get from me tonight.

Stay tuned, friends!!! But please tell me your input on last tonight's episode before you go...

Jake The Flying Bachelor Episode 3

First of all, I must apologize for the VERY late recap! I'm so so sorry! I started a recap this morning and lost my post in blogger when my computer became very infected with a virus. It had infected EVERYTHING and I wasn't able to be on my computer at ALL. Thank goodness for my amazing brother, Clark, who knows everything there is to know about computers and fixed my computer remotely. I owe ya, Clark. You saved my life (and my fans life too! I'm sure they've been on the edge of their seats just WAITING for my update. Right fans?).

Also, I'd like to thank my hilarious friend, Jen, for this super cute Bachelor notepad she made especially for moi. Thank goodness for friends who know just what I need. It came in handy on last night's episode. There was plenty of drama to write about.


I'll do last night's recap by summarizing with a few thoughts:

Vienna has super crazy eyes. They're big, they cross, they're intense and they're super eerie. It seems like her crazy eyes alone would be a deal breaker for Jake. When Vienna came back from her date and started going on and on.... and ON about it, I think we all wanted to slap her. Oh, and Jake was a total wuss with the bungee jumping he and Vienna did on their date. Yucky. Be a MAN, Jake!


Michelle was super psycho and crazed last night.

I'm sooo dissapointed that Jake got rid of her because she makes some really fascinating TV. Of course, she's a total lunatic so she definitely needed to go. And don't you find it strange that she can be so spot on with fashion, cute clothing, good makeup and hair and yet be so entirely deranged? Poor Michelle. I don't know how she'll ever find a husband now with her loony history.
Also, I think it's so funny that Michelle said to the cameras, "I had no clue. It came out of no where" when she was referring to Jake letting her go home. I mean, she had just TOLD him she wanted to leave (because of course she wanted him to beg her to stay). She's a total PSYCHO!!!!
For the record, Jake won back the wuss point he lost when he got rid of Michelle the way he did. That took guts. Didn't you feel all weird and awkward when Michelle forced herself on him for a kiss? Ew. VERY Uncomfortable.

Ella...



Ella is so charming and classy. I thought it was sweet when they brought her son out. Jake definitely won some points for being so cute with her. It's really too bad that Ella had a zit the size of Uranus on her face. It was large and red and it looked like she'd been picking at it. We've all been there. Like the time I had a zit the size of a quarter (and this is not an exaggeration) in the middle of my forehead. It was during my dating years with John and I thought I might die because of it. And no, it never came to a head, but it looked like I had a third head or eye from my side profile.
Oh wait, this isn't about me.
I like Ella. 'Nuff said.

Elizabeth...



Stupid STUPID girl. She played the tease card too much and it got her sent home. Can you believe she was telling all the girls in the house that Jake was mad at her because she wouldn't kiss him? Talk about turning the story around. She lacks good listening skills. It's obvious that Jake is in this for the long run when he doesn't keep the tease/game player on because she makes things 'fun'. That little note she wrote from the beginning really got her into trouble.
I like Jake's line that she was 'dangling a carrot' in front of him. Spot on, Jake! You win points tonight!
Off subject, but SO important:
What was the Utah joke that Elizabeth told? They bleeped out too much and now I'm just curious what it even meant. Did any of you catch it? Was it some stupid polygamy joke? Seriously, people, is that all you got to tease us Mo's? Something that was abolished over 100 years ago? Think of something else more clever please.

Ali...


Ali is still BY FAR the front runner for me. I can't even think of someone that comes close. She stands up for herself and tells other people (like crazy-eyed Vienna and psycho hose beast Michelle) what she thinks of them to their FACE instead of being catty behind their backs. I just really REALLY like her.
But...
What is up with her hair??!!! Sometimes it looks decent, but most of the time it looks like she just woke up. Please tell me I'm not alone in this thought. And please tell me she won't be like 'Molly' (from the Jason season. Do I really need to remind everyone?) was. Remember Molly's atrocious hair? Horrid. It's a good thing Ali's dress at the rose ceremony was so cute. It made up for her bad hair during the group date. Sort of.

The biggest dissapointment of the night? When they didn't play 'On the Wings of Love'. I was so looking forward to laughing my brains out. Too bad.

The drama continues for next week. Ali and Vienna on a road trip. I can't wait for the face to face cat fight!

Jake the Flying Bachelor Episode 2

Wow. The drama is so exciting, right??!! First off let me say that I have severely dissapointed my husband. Because I know so many of you rely on my trashy updates, I decided to take a few notes so I wouldn't forget the trashy details. John saw this and said, "Really? It's come to this?" and then let out a really loud, dissapointed sigh. Years ago when this show first started, I used to have his support and we'd watch together. But now? Wow. Look what nearly 10 years of marriage will do to a person. It's sad he can't support me in this sad obsession. It really is.



Jake has been more fun to watch than I originally gave him credit for. Like him or not, he's a pretty stand-up guy (ya know, minus the fact that he can't quit looking at all the girls' boobs) and I think he's in this for the right reasons. Plus, the cheese factor was a little lower than usual this past episode. I want to say I'm happy about it, but I was really looking forward to it so I could make fun of it in this post. Maybe next week.

First off, Vienna. Believe it or not I really don't have too much to say about her at this point besides the fact that she definitely bothers me and she's starting to look more like a man by the minute. Also, is it just me or have you noticed that sometimes when she talks one of her eyes goes cross-eyed?


Next, Christina:



Christina, I was really rooting for you, girl. I like that your boobs aren't abnormally proportioned to the rest of your body and that you haven't had huge lip injections. I really loved how she didn't feel comfortable at the photoshoot. It was so annoying that so many of the other girls were so at home. I mean, that would give anyone a panic attack. Right? Also, I'm always rooting for the underdog who doesn't really belong with the tramps. But she wasn't catty in any of her comments, just factual. I hate to even say it, but I think her drunk rant and singing the Twilight Zone theme probably didn't help her chances too much either. Bye Christina!

So far, all I know about Ashleigh is that she tramped herself up and came out walking in a bikini at the end of the group date. Yes, all the girls got in their bikinis eventually, but she was first... and that makes her forward and trampy. Other than that, I have NO INFORMATION about her. She's sort of a mystery.



Next up, I will post 4 girls' pictures that we, as an audience, really know NOTHING about. But it helps to put a face to a name so here they are in random order. And really and truly, when I say that I know nothing about any of these girls, I mean it. But they're still on the show so therefore we must get to know them.

First, Kathryn (who probably has to spell her name for everyone she meets because she spells it odd.):



Next, Jessie (but Jake called her Jessica. Does that mean she likes Jessie better? Hmmm):



Corrie. We haven't seen her too much, but I think she has a good chance. She was crying during the whole heartfelt speech from Jake, afterall. Plus, she's cute and I think she has lasting power:



And lastly, Valisha (who's name coincidentally reminds me of another 'V' word, but I won't go there). We've seen 'Val' (that's my new nickname for her. Believe me. It's better than my other one) maybe two total times on the show. She's a mystery.



You thought I was kidding when I said I didn't have anything to say about the previous four girls, didn't you? I don't kid about The Bachelor.

Another girl who is a bit mysterious to me is Ella. I can't get past her gigantic lip injections to decide. I like her single mom thing, but the jury is still out on whether I like her or not. Give me some more time on Ella. I'll get back to you.

Gia:

She definitely has the whole sexy thing going and I would really love to look like her in a bikini. Who am I kidding? I'd like to look like ANY of these girls in a bikini. Ya know, if I could wear one, but that's besides the point. I think she also has some staying power, but it's too early to say why. I'll get back to you.

Elizabeth:



I quite suddenly don't like her anymore. I found her greasy, stringy hair to be yucky (yes, if you read my previous post this may sound hypocritical. Perhaps I should have added 'hypocrit' to my list) and her whole note escapade totally annoying and stupid. Also, how retarded was it when she said, "This note to you is just like me. Naked and Natural. It's ME." GAG!!! I was so embarrassed for her when she read it in her little girl voice. Also, the whole 'I don't want any kisses from you unless I can have you forever' line is such a load of CRAP!! She's playing hard to get with him and what's worse is that Jake is stupid enough to go for it. What made me really seal the deal in my annoyance for her is that she kept teasing him with her annoying rule of not being able to kiss her. "You wanna kiss me now, don't you?" Ha ha! "Too bad!" The only thing that makes me happy about Elizabeth is that I think the whole no kissing thing might be fun for her now, but she's going to feel pretty bad when she's the only one in the house not getting kissed. And that makes me so happy.

Michelle:
Here's a list of words I wrote whenever she came on the TV:


CRAZY
DESPERATE
FREAK
TRYING TO GET ATTENTION
FAKE PACKER
BABY
There aren't enough words for how crazy she is making herself look. The totally psycho ones are the hardest and yet funnest to watch though. It's sad she's going to go back to her normal life after this and every guy on the planet is going to avoid her like the plague.

I don't have too much to say about Tenley just yet, but I was bummed she didn't tell Jake about her divorce. Also, did you see the snippet at the end where she was pretending to be a giraffe? HA HA HA! I laughed out loud.



Ali:

Oh, Ali. You are the most normal girl, wholesome girl (except for that possible F?bomb you possibly dropped when the cheater news was announced) on the whole show. I like you Ali. I'm even willing to forgive the fact that you wore yet ANOTHER yellow dress on your date with Jake. Yes. We noticed.
When Ali and Jake went flying and they busted out the 'On the Wings of Love' song again, I literally lost it. I mean, tears were streaming and juice (because I like juice at night) was coming out of my mouth from the laughter. Man, oh man, I can't ever take that song seriously again in my life. I really hope they play it on every episode. It will mean so much to me.
I liked that Ali let Jake kiss her instead of the other way around. I really think there is a lot of chemistry between Jake and Ali. Ah, I just realized that it sounds like that show 'Kate and Ali'. Now they really need to get married. And speaking of the name Jake, wasn't it hilarious how she named of all the guys she's dated that start with 'J'? Crazy! Ali is non-trashy, non-desperate and she's pretty and natural.
Off the subject, but didn't 'Chicago' sound like crap on their one on one date? Is it just me?

Thanks for your patience. I know most of you were waiting to hear the biggest dirt of all....
"The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony EVER!"

and it sort of was.



I really enjoyed watching Chris Harrison lecture Rozlyn about her 'inappropriate relationship' and how, at first, Rozlyn played dumb to the whole thing. Every time she nodded, she looked more guilty than the last time. I am curious, however, when the whole relationship started with she and 'The Bachelor' producer. Did it happen before she knew who The Bachelor even was or was it going on behind the scenes DURING FILMING with the present Bachelor, Jake? Does anyone know? I'm just curious how much of a tramp she actually was. Also, I'm so glad she's gone. Her boob bouncin' and all-around snobbiness was too much to handle. Also, let's not forget the 'goods-flashin'' She wasn't even embarrassed. We should have known right then from that incident that she was the bad egg. Can you believe how quickly she came on to Jake? And the whole gross kissing incident? And how annoying it was that Jake gave her a rose after she threw herself and her gigantic boobs all over him? I loved how she said, "My personal life isn't anybody's business." REALLY??! Even when you're gettin' it on with the producer of the TV show you're on to find real love? REALLY??!


And this sort of drama, my friends is why I love this trashy show so much. I can't wait for next week.

Your thoughts on this week's episode, please. You know I need them to keep me going.