Anyway....
I feel I must mention how enormous Gia's shirts are all the time. I guess she likes the '80's off-the-shoulder look, but me? Not so much.
And is it just me or did you all feel like poor Gia had to climb way too many stairs in this episode? There was the stair climbing to see Jake in the beginning and then the stair descending (the descent that never ended) to go to dinner with Jake. It was all a bit nauseating. And speaking of the dinner, what was up with Gia's weird princess tiara? SO SO SO out of place for a beach date. And way distracting. I couldn't stop looking at it and wishing it was gone.
This episode was about as anticlimactic as it could possibly get. Sure, they teased us with the promos and the 'after the break' stuff with the car driving up to the rose ceremony, but it was all a sham. I wasn't the least bit surprised that it was Gia who went home.
Oh, and Gia crying was super sad. Especially with that sweaty upper lip. I really wanted to wipe it off for her so she could leave with a little more grace and dignity. So long, Gia!
Tenley...
Am I the only one who thinks Tenley is looking more and more like Barbie? She is seriously darling. But you know what's NOT darling? Her teeny tiny little girl voice. I hate it so much. If you want to go any further, Tenley, you have GOT TO STOP TALKING LIKE THAT! I love Tenley though. She's my obvious pick (Hello, do I even need to say that?), but I'm afraid it's not going to be sweet Tenley in the end. Sadly, I think the physical chemistry is a bit off. Jake made a VERY TELLING move on Tenley that made me convinced of this. Wanna know what it was?
He kissed her on the nose.
A nose kiss is for your baby. Your little sister (except for my brothers, of course) or when your hubby thinks you're being really cute. But your girlfriend who you're just beginning to 'fall in love with'? No. The nose kiss was an all-around bad sign.
Tenley asked Jake how he would pursue her in the 'real world' should he choose her. I think that was such a smart question. I think a lot of these girls (Ahem, Vienna) get really sucked in to the fantasy of it all. They think it's going to be their real life. For instance, remember when Vienna (a couple episodes back) was talking about how she loved how Jake put so much thought into their date? Vienna is an idiot! We all know that Jake is NOT the loverboy who put all the 'thought' into the date. It's about 20 or 30 producers and a team of professionals. So, what I'm saying is that Tenley seems to 'get it' that the show will end and life would begin. Know what I mean?
The Vienna date...
First off, I hate Vienna's green bikini. We've seen it before. Plus, I just hate it because it's fun to hate it. Proabably because it's on her. Vienna's date with Jake was so totally disgusting. There is obviously some sort of raw animal chemistry between the two of them. Do you know what it reminds me of? That hot guy in high school you liked that decides to date the very unattractive chick with no personality. It's just so so baffling. Everyone is scratching their heads going, 'Huh?' and yet he keeps on dating her. And then they get married... and have cross-eyed children.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
When Vienna started walking towards the pirate ship, that song 'Walk Like a Man' came into my head. I couldn't help it and I kept singing it in my head. And speaking of music, how dissapointing was it that they played the 'On the Wings of Love' music that I like so much on the date with Vienna and Jake? SO SAD. Such a waste.
A few disgusting things happened on the date with Vienna. I have to list them because there are so many:
The green bikini. I know I already mentioned it, but still.
Vienna licking Jake's face and then Jake licking her back. Ick.
The paddling.
The constant camera view of Vienna's ruffled bum.
The constant camera view of Vienna's ugly tattoo that I hope gets really stretched out when she has babies.
The white lingerie number.
Jake saying that he sees a lot of himself in Vienna. Again, 'Huh?'
Wet, bad hair extensions.
Jake asking Vienna what kind of ring she'd pick out. So. Tragic.
Vienna constantly calling Jake 'sweetheart'.
Vienna being the cross-eyed-green-ruffled-bikini-hoochie-mamma that she is.
Oh, and did I mention the paddling? ICKY!
The Ali thing....
I'm actually sort of glad he didn't take her back. I mean, she left and that's that. She handled it pretty well (until she got into that gray shirt and completely fell apart. Was that the same day? Random.) Right as Jake was refusing Ali's offer to come back, John walked into the room where I was watching TV and said, "Oh, poor Ali cat. Poor, poor Ali cat.... Aw, she'll land on her feet." And.... it was so. so. funny. I keep thinking about it and laughing.
I have a sneaky suspicion Ali will be back....
As the next Bachelorette.
K, kids! It's time for your opinions! Let 'er Rip!
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35 comments:
I agree - I watched the first little bit and Gia's shirts are totally big! And she's so tiny!
Eeeeww - the face licking!
Thanks for yet another hilarious recap!
He can't seriously be interested in Vienna...she's gross.
Oh, and by the way, I have not actually watched a single episode this season, but I read you faithfully and I'm pretty sure your recaps are better than the real thing.
I hated this episode and loved the drama all at the same time. I don't think any of the girls are right for him and that he's too much of an idiot to deserve sweet Tenley. But he and Tenley just don't seem on the same wave length (if you know what I mean). As for Vienna, when he said he says a lot of himself in her, I just assume he means the sexual part. They both are simply horny. But Jake has an excuse- he's a guy. As for Ali, I think she'll be back before the show is over. She may have been dumb for leaving him, but he's dumb for keeping Vienna around. And those two are just such a good match that it would be pure tragedy if they don't end up together. There's my predicition!
i'm sorely disappointed this season. vienna needs to go back to her swampy, white trash home.
Holly, I am laughing out loud at your synopsis. And I can hardly wait for the kids to leave for school so I can finish watching the Bach. (Got too tired last night) But seriously, I was laughing out loud and loving it. And, I have to admit I MAY HAVE at some point, licked my husbands face.
That's all I am gonna say.
You're so funny. Love the thoughts as always. Pretty much agree with ya! I do like the relationship Jake has with Vienna though...just that they are so playful and you can tell they are at ease. I think that's cool, but not with who it is. I think he's just been such a GOOD boy that he is being a rebel and letting his testosterone rule his heart and is going for Vienna.
Poor poor Tenley is going to have her heart stomped on again. I'm so anxious to see if he even picks ANYONE? That is what the promos sure look like. Ah. 2 weeks of anticipation. Kill me!!
Whoo! I have a feeling Jake is going to disappoint BIG TIME. How could you have more physical chemistry with Vienna when Tenley is CLEARLY more attractive (inside and out!) I think Jake and Vienna have an obvious fun time together but if he chooses her I don't think he's ready to get married either. I think he wants to just have a good time. She would cheat on him as soon as the thrill wears off.
Kudos for saying "NO" to Ali. I didn't see that coming. But, what was that seen about "get on a plane and come here RIGHT NOW". Those jerk producers are toying with our emotions.
Gia needed to go. She's sweet but has no personality....nothing to say, ever.
I don't know, Holly. I just don't know. Ewww...but, I really don't want Ally to be the Bachelorette.
Okay, I don't watch this show, but I am sucked into having an opinion on this! lol Vienna is gross and if Jake continues to like her then he is a major DISAPPOINTMENT!
Vienna is so white trash. I don't get it. Maybe it will make more sense after we see Jakes family...
Hate, hate, hate Tenley's voice. I wish he would pick her, though.
I HATE Vienna! I was reading a magazine, whether all of it is true or not that Vienna worked at Hooters before coming on the show, not as a marketing consultant like it says. Also, there were lots of comments from her ex mother-in-law and let's just say she didn't have ANYTHING positive to say about her. It said that she drained her husband's savings account on breast implants and liposuction while he was in Iraq serving our country and that she cheated on him with his best friend. Who knows, but it wouldn't surprise me. Good luck Jake! You will need it with that pick!
Dany,
Ew. That just goes to show how long it will last should Jake choose Vienna. I give it a month. Tops.
Also, I forgot to mention on the recap how Jake said, "I'm the time of guy who puts others first before myself". Yuck, Jake. Saying that out loud? So yuck.
And I meant 'type' of guy not 'time'. Ugh.
Aww, Holly. Didn't you feel at least a little sorry for poor Gia? I was so sad for her. She has been so used and abused by all her previous boyfriends; I think that's why she was so "slow" to get into the picture. Anyway, It made me sad for her. I think she handled it way well! After all, she told Jake that he had made the right decision to let her go!
Sweet Tenley. I am thinking back on previous episodes, and isn't she the one with the "normal"-type family? If he is seriously into family and having children, I would think he would consider who their grandparents would be!! I know I did!!
Vienna, Vienna. Would you want to be a part of THAT family? So, if Jake does, then I guess that tells a lot about him!
Tenley is the only one that seems to really qualify as "wife" material, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see!!
LOVE your recaps! Tom isn't sure he likes the fact that I watch the show, however! lol
Aunt Virginia,
I definitely felt sorry for Gia and it wasn't just because she had a sweaty uppper lip. She handled it really well and definitely said all the right things. She's obviously been with some rotten guys in her past. Sad, indeed.
I think Jake isn't really going with his 'heart' with Vienna (if you know what I mean). When he is with her, he's obviously not thinking straight. Her parents? Ick. Her past divorce and the way it was handled? Ick. Her relationship with the other women? Ick. She's got bad Karma written all over her.
Tell Uncle Tom to watch it with you. ;) He'd get sucked in too and then you won't have guilt.
I ended up fast-forwarding a lot of this episode, it was so boring and ridiculous. Except the parts that DH watched with me and we made fun of them. Those were awesome.
He is totally going to end up with Vienna, and that makes me want to barf. There is no WAY that will be a love match for a lifetime. And you know what? I get a perverse sense of satisfaction from that... because it's like, "Jake, I told you so." Even though he's obviously not listening.
I believe the only reason why Jake is so interested in Vienna Sausage is because she is "rubbing him the right way". (if you know what I mean) It's pure sexual and that is it.
I seriously wanted to reach through the tv and smack Jake up side his head when he kept on slapping Vienna Sausage's butt with the stupid sword. And I totally noticed there was some cellulite and quite a bit of jiggle. I have a feeling Vienna Sausage could very well resemble a sausage once she gets pregnant. She seems like she would be the type that likes to party, snack on Cheetohs, and Ding Dongs. Ug. I've spent too much of my valuable time thinking about the horse.
Tenley's voice is a deal breaker for me. The kiss on the nose is a total sign. He's just not that into you. And did you hear the promo for next week when you hear Tenley's voice saying, "I just can't believe he thinks there is no chemistry between us!" (or something like that)
I felt bad for Gia and her obvious sweaty brow. Nothing like having a melt down in sweltering heat. I knew she was going weeks ago. Poor Gia.
As usual your recap is spot on! And I love it! And by the way... why doesn't Jake ask Vienna Sausage about HER divorce? He sure is worried about Tenley's divorce. If it were me, that would be top on my list of WHY the divorce happened! Just saying Jake. You big fat dork! Or as Steve calls him, "man-whore".
Holy crap. Sorry about the freakin' long comment. I needed to vent.
Was it just me or did anyone else think that Vienna and Jake hit the sheets? I was totally grossed out when she shut the door in her slutty nighty?!?!
Jen--you nailed it with the "man-whore" comment. Nailed it!!!
lol
I am grossed out. I can't get over the fact that all three of the girls slept with Jake. Yuck. On every one of the dates before hand, Jake was practically salivating to give them the card inviting them to their couples suite. He is a man whore a total mimbo. He is the reason, so many women hate men. He made the comment about how the couples suite is such a critical time in thier dating. Really? So you can't tell enough about a person without sleeping with them. I hope Jake does end up with Vienna, it would serve him right. Puke, is all I have to say.
P.S.
Good guy my A**!!!
K I am going to attempt this again, I already wrote a novel and it didn't post it.
Gia is buggin I am glas she is gone and you need to post a picture of the Joker because that is who she looks like :)
Tenley is my fav, her voice is buggin though! But I love her morals and she is beautiful and her and Jake kind of look alike.
Vienna is white trash, she is buggin and I haev a feeling too that he will probably pick her ot no one at all. If that happens I am done with this show! I say that every season and I keep watching it for some reason.
I am glad he didn't let Ali come back she was kind of buggin me and she lost her chance she was so stupid to leave.
Can't wait for the finale!!!!!
I haven't watched this show, but it sounds totally immoral. From ths sounds of it Jake and Vienna should get married and never have children. Would you want a guy who has slept around WHILE "deciding" if he wanted you? YUCK!! It also sounds like this show makes women second class people who have to grovel for a man. Just my thoughts. Sorry fans.
Bette, you're right about it being toally immoral! I felt like it was a bit more "above board" until last night's episode. As in all the other Bachelor and Bachelorette series, it always ends up between the sheets! That's one reason I feel sorry for Gia -- she didn't need that. As far as Vienna is concerned, sleeping around is most likely her MO. But poor sweet Tenley!! How awful for her if she did sleep with Jake! She has only had the one man in her life -- her husband; what a shame if Jake got her to sleep with him and then he chooses someone else!
I watch the show because Holly writes such a great blog about it! Good for a weekly laugh!
I'm beginning to think that Jake's primary "love" language is Words of Affirmation and his second is physical touch. And of course, Vienna not only feeds his ego but likes to lick his face too. She's so childish it's not even funny. Of course, Jake seems to like the immaturity in her - I guess it makes him feel young again. Well we all know it won't be a lasting relationahip. I think in the end Jake will have BIG REGRETS!!!
Holly, you missed your calling. You should have been a reporter. You know how to put out the facts and keep people's attention. Gotta hand it to you. Gotta love ya too.
I think my sister-in-law said it best when she said that Vienna is just hard to look at. She really just makes you want to close your eyes like in a horror movie!
I have to confess, I would never watch this show, but yet, I find myself reading your recap every week. Weird, huh? You're just so funny. I am singing "Walk Like a Man" right now.
Great recap, I'm with Jen it drives me CRAZY that he constantly asks Tenley about her marriage but NEVER asks Vienna about hers. Why Jake, why??? You dummy!!! Does anyone else but me think that Jake says some off the wall weird things sometimes, like things guys just don't say. I can't remember exactly what he said, but he said something like "she makes my heart bubble" I'm sure I'm way off on my quote, I should've wrote it down, but it was just weird. Thanks again Holly can't wait to see what happens in the next couple weeks.
I'm with Rochelle. Even though I have only seen 1 episode I always read these posts because you are hilarious! You can't find writing about wanting to wipe off Gia's upper lip anywhere else.
Uh, I think everyone in entire universe will be mad at Jake if he picks that Vienna chick. Other planets will probably attack the earth because even aliens will be mad.
If Jake picks Vienna I am going to be mad cuz it will have been a total waste of time watching this show. My mom and dad watch this show (you know my dad-the funny thing is he loves Bachelor and Bachelorette). My dad said if he picks Vienna he is never watching the show ever again. I couldn't stop laughing. Pretty funny that he is so into it.
Paul, who are you? Are you my cousin Paul because that's the only Paul I can think of right now.
and P.S. If you ARE Paul, my cousin, I'm dying laughing right now picturing your Dad watching The Bachelor. Too funny!
I don't have so much animosity for Vienna anymore. I just don't see their relationship being a "forever" deal. Tenley is too soft and that voice!!
I seriously wonder what will happen...
Sara
The saddest thing happened...we were stuck in traffic coming home from Idaho and totally missed the whole show! And no one TIVO'd it.
He's gonna pick the horse, everyone needs a pet. Tenley is sweet but sex rules the world. Obviously he isn't thinking with his big head.
I've been St. Lucia, it is gorgeous.
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