If there is a universal truth, it is that we all have trials. Some big, some small. But all of us, everyone, will go through this life and endure trials. I believe that is why Heavenly Father has sent us here. To see how well we can endure these trials. To see what we decide to make of ourselves with them.
After some prodding from a loving Aunt (Thanks, Aunt Irene) and through some prayer, I've felt impressed to journal about my latest trial. It's private. And it's hard for me to talk about. But it is a big part of me right now. And this is my blog, afterall. Life isn't always a bowl full of cherries.
For those of you not aware, we battled infertility for three years while trying to bring Faith into the world. During those three years, John was diagnosed with Cancer. Melanoma. It had spread to his lymphatic system in three months and he required surgery and a full year of chemotherapy. Life was hard then. But it was also full of beautiful blessings. John's health and the beautiful gift of faith both in our hearts and in the form of a beautiful baby girl.
Life was finally good again.
And now, here we are back to where we once were with secondary infertility. Since Faith's birth we have been trying to have another baby. Trying and failing. Trying and failing. These last six months have faced us with mounds of infertility debt and failed procedures. Pills, shots, ultrasounds, more shots, appointments, blood work, and on and on and on. We have done 4 cycles of IUI with clomid, an HSG, 2 cycles of IUI with injectable fertility drugs, HCG shots, progesterone supplements, and every other day ultrasounds that require an hour drive each way. And they have failed. All of them.
The heartbreak has been severely debilitating. Exhausting. Emotionally and financially draining. We have been so very sad. Once you start fertility treatments during the course of your infertility, you do so expecting to get a baby out of the thousands of dollars you spend. You put your body through hell and back because you're on a desperate mission to bring a baby into the world. A baby you feel entitled and impressed to have. Going through infertility is one thing, but going through infertility with fertility treatments added to your already broken heart with an empty result is... well... there just aren't words.
Secondary infertility (and primary, for that matter) is an isolating disease. You already have a child, or in my case, two children. And people that know of your situation feel you should 'just be grateful for what you have'. They hit you with the 'you're young. It will happen' comments, or with tales of adoption stories where they know someone who couldn't get pregnant and as soon as they adopted they FINALLY got pregnant. We've all heard the stories. There's the 'Just try to relax and not think about it' comments and the 'have you tried such and such' comments. Everyone has a solution, a suggestion, a tale. But the truth is, it's lonely. It's isolating and most people don't know what to say.
And ya know what??
That's okay.
I turned off the comments and you don't have to say anything. This post is for me. It's my cross to bear. My heavy load and heartache. Right now we are trying to make peace with things. With the possibility that we may never have anymore children. And though I don't deep down believe that is what will happen, I do believe that I need to find peace some how. Happiness. Joy in the journey. This break from shots and dr. appts and putting my body through misery has given me an opportunity to reflect and pray.
The unconditional love and warmth I feel from my family both immediate and extended has helped me get up in the morning and get Levi off to school. And the kindness from friends has been overwhelming. There are so many blessings that can come from a crisis. Finding out how much people love you and want the best for you has been so humbling. I'm so grateful for friends and family willing to break through my icy exterior and come ask how I'm doing anyway. Those friends and family members will never know how much that has meant to me.
I'm ready to enjoy the holidays. Bring 'em on!
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