Gratitude

Faith, asleep on the couch tonight 8/6 after refusing to take a nap earlier today...

On Monday, it started out like any other day. Kids bawling, gym going, hair combing, cereal eating. Pretty typical. Non-exciting. And yet, so much would happen on this day. There would be tears. Lots an LOTS of them.

A friend from the gym (whom I've grown to adore dearly) invited me and another cute friend I love to her house to go swimming. She would get pizza, I would bring drinks, Sarah would bring cookies, and we would talk and laugh and have a GREAT time. But right before we were to leave, there came a very LARGE disappointment in my life. A disappointment that I've dealt with year after year. But we were leaving, and I needed to go, so I tried to push the tears away and get out the door. And that, we did. I did cannon balls. And I tried to go underwater without plugging my nose (which I can't do). And I doggy-paddled a lot (which I can do). And I tried to ignore the pain for a while and have a good time. And then the kids started bawling, and naps needed to take place and it was time to go.

I took off Faith's floaties and she sat next to me and dangled her tiny, brown painted feet in the water next to me. I talked with my friends. And suddenly, I looked up, and I saw Faith completely underneath the water with her eyes open, staring at me in complete PANIC. And I have no idea how long she was under there (probably just a few seconds). And no idea how she escaped my side. And it all happened so fast, and yet so painstakingly slow. I ran to her side and scooped her up, and patted her back and held her tight. And she said to me, 'I scared, mommy. Dat scare me!' And all at once, my body just started shaking and I felt sick to my stomach. And I kept picturing her scared little face and helpless body in that water. And I swear to you that I had my eyes on her the ENTIRE time... and yet, it still happened.

On this very same day, we awaited the results of John's CT scan. They are routine and he gets them twice a year to make sure the cancer stays GONE. We always expect the results to be good. But there is ALWAYS some anxiety that goes along with the scans. It's always nice to know FOR SURE and breathe that sigh of relief. We had waited all weekend for the results of the scan so there was definitely some tension we were trying to ignore. We would not be finding out until that evening.

When I got home from swimming, and put Faith down for her nap, and Levi was watching TV quietly, I had some time to reflect upon all the events of the day. It was a gut-wrenching day. With the major blow I had received early in the day, and the 'what could have been' with Faith in the pool, and the 'what-if's' with John's scan, it was just all TOO TOO much. And I broke down. HARD. Everything just seemed to be so hopeless and that horrible pain and grief in my stomach would not go away. I curled up on the couch and didn't move. I called John and told him about what almost happened to Faith. And I could barely even spit the story out through the tears. I had so much guilt, and dissapointment and worry that I literally felt like giving up for a second. And the tears... the tears just wouldn't stop.

But then... John's results came back. And they were perfect! The doctor even said they were 'stone cold' normal. Which is seriously like the greatest thing EVER to be--just normal. And Faith was FINE. I grabbed her out of that water, I held her, and she was FINE. So fine, in fact, that she told a lot of people her 'scary' story. And I don't think she'll ever want her floaties off again. And John came home from work with flowers for me. And Burger King. And he let me cry in his arms the whole night. And he gave me a blessing. And I prayed. Hard. I thanked Heavenly Father for blessing me with SO MUCH. It is so easy to forget how blessed we truly are. I woke up the next morning early, and thanks to some inspiration from the same great friend at the gym, I read the scriptures and I said my prayers and I read some articles in the Ensign. And I did the same thing the next day... and the next... and the next...

And ya know what?

The Lord knows our needs. He hears our prayers. He knows our spirit. And He mourns with us when we mourn... and comforts us when we need comfort. He answers our prayers the way they are supposed to be answered.

And I'm going to be fine too.